This personal story is a bit raw and took some courage to post it. It’s meant to be educational and inspirational. I had a serious disorder and couldn’t have recovered without professional help. It’s part of why I became a professional counselor and coach.
I became anorexic around 14 years old. My story started at overnight camp. It was co-ed. Seemed like I was the only girl who didn’t look forward to evening activities. That’s when you got to hang out with the boys. That was the last thing I was interested in and in fact boy-girl stuff scared me. I was uncomfortable with who I was and very unhappy. It’s hard to feel like you don’t fit in.
Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder prevalent among adolescent girls but also occurs with boys. It involves restricted food intake and significant weight loss. Individuals with anorexia have an extreme preoccupation with food, calories, body weight and body shape. It can lead to severe physical and psychological consequences such as malnutrition and depression.
During camp the girls in my cabin chose to go on a diet. I joined them as a way to connect. I didn’t need to lose weight, nor did they. Being skinny was starting to be glamorized. Twiggy (built like a twig!) was the new image of beauty. She was featured in high fashion magazines. Women started longing to look like her.
As with most teenagers a diet doesn’t last. Before long my cabin mates were eating pizza and ice cream, while I slowly became anorexic eating less and less. Anorexia occurs in less than 1% of American adolescents. Tragically it also leads to the most deaths. A common profile includes, perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive behavior, a family member with an eating disorder, an upper middle class family (although that is changing), activities like ballet, gymnastics or wrestling.
Anorexia became the silent killer of my spirit and soul. I went from being authentic and very honest to constantly lying that I had eaten when I had not. I’d hide food in a napkin and then throw it out. It’s amazing that I never got caught. I lost my moral compass and felt horrible about it, choosing to lie and deprive myself of nourishment, in a misguided effort to feel empowered and in control.
Social isolation and depression are part of anorexia. Socializing was difficult as I didn’t want people to wonder why I wasn’t eating or judge me. I felt alone and lonely even when others were around. My depression showed up at night. During the day I was very busy with school, tennis and gourmet cooking. When I got into bed at night, I would start to cry. I was overwhelmed with hopelessness about my future and ever being happy again. I was inconsolable, sobbing till I finally fell asleep.
At a routine visit with my pediatrician he saw that my weight had dropped significantly. In less than a year I went from 90 to 75 pounds. I was 5’4″ tall. He threatened to hospitalize and feed me intravenously, if I didn’t start gaining weight right away. It made me mad. I wasn’t ready to stop being anorexic. I gained the amount of weight he required but no more. No way I was going to the hospital.
I was trapped in a self imposed prison. My fears, obsessive thoughts and eating behaviors began to control me. I couldn’t stop myself from being obsessed with staying thin. It was even harder when other girls would say they wish they could be thin like me. I know that is hard to believe.
My recovery from anorexia started with an awareness that I had to get out of it in order to have some happiness in my life. I was tired of feeling hopeless, isolated and sad. College was on the horizon. It was an opportunity to reset and form a new identity.
Gaining weight was hard. It was two steps forward and one step backwards for many months. What helped was going on a teen tour the summer before college. I ate with the group and even made a couple friends. It was a big victory. Now I couldn’t wait to go to college. I weighed 90 pounds and at the end of the year, I had gained the freshman 15! My friends at college couldn’t believe I had no social life in high school. I was back to being the social and outgoing person I was before anorexia.
Since college I’ve maintained a healthy weight. I’m grateful for the good support and professional help I got. I saw a psychotherapist weekly and my pediatrician monthly. When the going got tough, I got tough! I’d remind myself why gaining weight was so important. I couldn’t be happier without doing it.
If you suspect someone has anorexia or an eating disorder please seek support and help from a mental health professional or eating disorders support group. Excellent resources can be found at https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Sincerely,
Margo
Margo Geller MS, MSW
Professional Counselor
Personal and Business Coach
Call or Text: 404-218-4559
Email: MargoGeller@Gmail.com
www.MargoGeller.com
