I worry about the people I love. It’s been part of my identity since I was a little kid. It’s one of the ways I prove or show how much I care or love someone. Over time it becomes a burden. When I can’t “get them” to do what “I think” will help them feel better, I feel bad.
What complicates it more is — the people I worry about—especially the ones closest to me—don’t always want it or like it. Some of them have told me directly. Others I can feel pulling back, gently or not-so-gently signaling that my concern feels more like pressure than comfort.
And what makes it even worse is — I worry that I’ve made them uncomfortable. It becomes a double whammy! My love didn’t get received the way I wanted it to and my caring has been misread as control or mistrust.
It’s hard to acknowledge that something coming from love could feel like a burden or even anger someone else. Now I know that well-intentioned, worrying about someone, isn’t a good thing. It’s disempowering. I’m not having faith in them or allowing them the opportunity to grow and build resilience and confidence.
My son tried for many years to let me know he didn’t like it when I worried about him. Eventually he told me flat out that it made him feel bad. I finally got it!
A couple close friends shared a similar sentiment. They used non-verbal communication or body language and facial expression which I easily noticed. It’s one of my superpowers! It was reinforcing when I stopped worrying, trusted they would get to a better place, and they did!
My Big Learning: Giving up worrying about others was very hard. This is because my brain believes… if I stop worrying, it means I’ve stopped caring. Can you believe this? It sounds crazy and yet there are many people who have this problem.
Other Learnings:
Worry is often a need for Control Disguised as Concern. You can only control yourself. Caring is about compassion. You show caring by listening closely and paying attention to body language. Acknowledge the feelings they express and the ones you pick up on. My motto: “First Focus on Feelings, Second on Solving”
Letting Go isn’t Giving Up It took me a long time to realize that stepping back doesn’t mean I love someone less. Sometimes it shows I love them more. I want to give them room to navigate the inevitable ups and downs in life. It means I believe in their strength, even when they forget it.
Peace of Mind is Essential for Living Your Best Life. When I worry my mind gets hijacked with looping negative predictions. I suffer from self sabotage. I can change this thought pattern by catching it and consciously pushing it away. It takes a commitment to self responsibility and self tough love. I say to myself… Stop it!
MarGO!
Margo Geller CSW, CRC
Professional Counselor
Business, Career and Life Coach
404-218-4559
MargoGeller@gmail.com
MargoGeller.com
