Encouragement is motivating and inspiring. It propels positive action.
When someone you know is feeling frustrated or discouraged it is natural to want to encourage them with suggestions and advice. You may think that you are offering a gift…your concern and your good ideas.
The thing is, suggestions and advice don’t feel good to someone who is upset. It is very hard for them to take in and digest advice when they are struggling with difficult emotions.
Or, you may intend to offer encouragement by telling someone that everything is going to be alright and that they just shouldn’t worry…and then wonder why they don’t seem to feel better.
These efforts at support and encouragement don’t work because the person’s difficult feelings need to be acknowledged and respected first.
When clients come to me feeling down or discouraged, I listen to their words and also pay close attention to what their body language and facial expressions are telling me so that I can assess what feelings they are experiencing. Once I help them recognize, share and process their feelings, I can offer effective encouragement.
Here are Six Steps to help you learn how to offer Effective Encouragement:
- Listen for the feelings behind the words.
- Help the person identify their feelings: “It seems like you are feeling very scared, anxious, troubled, worried, ______ about making this decision.”
- Validate the person’s feelings: “It makes sense to me that you are really worried right now.”
- Offer a Positive Perspective: “I know you are smart, strong and capable and will be able to make a decision that will work for you.”
- Ask if the person would like to hear your practical suggestion before you offer it.
- Inspire a positive and realistic outlook.
After 35 years of working as a professional counselor and therapist, I know that no matter what the problem or issue is, the feelings have to be acknowledged and addressed first. It makes all the difference in getting quicker and better results.
For example, a client came to see me because she was feeling desperate and very discouraged by the pressing need to make a difficult business decision. She wasn’t sleeping and was constantly worrying that she would make the wrong decision.…what if….what if….what if?
I listened so that I could understand the feelings behind her words and watched her eye contact and body movements. I shared what I had heard and observed and acknowledged the feelings she was struggling with. Once she was able to recognize and accept her feelings, she was ready to proceed. She was able to hear me when I honestly told her that she is highly talented, a savvy business owner and that her anxiety was her biggest obstacle. She was able to see that she has what it takes to deal with the outcome of her big decision. By recognizing and acknowledging her feelings before I offered my positive perspective, she was able to hear and respond to my encouraging words. She felt supported and her outlook was now realistically confident.
In business and personal relationships it is important to both offer and receive effective encouragement. People facing a difficult situation or challenge will respond to “I know you can do it” much better after their feelings have been acknowledged and validated.
I specialize in working with self-employed professionals (including financial advisors, attorneys and consultants), business owners and entrepreneurs.
Call me for a complimentary consultation. I’d love to help you!
MarGO!
Blog post written by Margo Geller and Debra Livingston
