“You never listen to me”, “You always have to have the last word”, “I never get any attention” are examples of the black and white thinking that not only impedes effective communication, but also indicates that a deeper emotional issue needs to be addressed. “Always” and “Never” statements convey accusation, judgment or self-pity and tend to incite argument and disconnect rather than
communication and understanding.
While many people who use these statements know that they are not literally true, “Always” and “Never” may actually be an indirect expression of the person’s underlying feelings.
For Example: Gary: “You never listen to me.” Grace: “Yes I do. I always listen to you.”
Something is triggering Gary to speak in the extreme; all or nothing. He may be looking for acceptance, validation and love. He is hurting and does not know how to directly ask for what he needs. When Grace hears, “You never listen to me,” her automatic response is defensive because she is feeling unjustly accused or judged. She is not likely to be able to respond compassionately and the argument loop continues.
If Gary were to state his feelings and needs directly, he might say, “I’m afraid that you may not consider me worth listening to. I want to know that you value me and what I have to say.” Gary has gone beyond hyperbole and Grace has now heard something honest. She can respond with compassion and assure him that she cares about how he feels and what he has to say. Love can begin to flow and both people will feel better.
Some causes of “always” and “never” conversations:
- When people feel unheard, they will tend to fall into “all or nothing” thinking and use words like “Always” and “Never”.
- Using all or nothing words comes from feeling hurt and then retaliating in some way. “I do everything for you and you never do anything for me.”
- In an effort to avoid feelings of being inadequate or unlovable, the speaker may elevate himself into righteous indignation to better hide his sense of worthlessness from himself as well as others.
Hearing yourself use extreme words like “Always” and “Never” is a clue that you are not communicating what you are really feeling and what you really need.
Hearing others use extreme words like “Always” and “Never” can clue you in to listen beyond the words. You can avoid making an automatic defensive response and stop the argumentative nature of the conversation.
Always and never conversations are unproductive no matter how you slice it. If you catch yourself having “Always and Never” thoughts or making “Always and Never” statements, pause, take a breath and ask yourself, “What is this really about?” Avoiding “Always” and “Never” can help you avoid a lot of heartache and headache.
Blog post written by Margo Geller and Debra Livingston
